Success And Happiness – Just Learn How To Pay Attention

I have been issuing a Free Personal Development Ezine for the past few years – twice a week, articles and short videos – and from the comments that I get I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s lots of guys and girls out there who give out about life, but who won’t take the appropriate action to change. A majority of people are unhappy in their work but are prepared to grin and bear it. The normal mind is numbed by the routine of daily life. Plenty of people are in unsatisfactory relationships. People are unhappy with who they think they are – their shape, weight, lack of assertiveness, low self-esteem, eating habits, fitness… But what all these people – and there’s a whopping great chance that this includes you – don’t understand is that everything would alter effortlessly if they simply sat up straight and started to pay attention.

Yeah, you heard me – just like what the teacher told you in nursery school! Psychological studies suggest that your happiness and success is directly linked to your ability to pay attention. That may seem a little bizarre – but think about it. Successful people are more focused – and focus is just a fancy word for paying attention. Presence is one of the main hallmarks of success – successful people have presence – and that just means that they focus to an abnormal extent on the here and now. Or, more to the point, successful people bother to turn up for their own lives! They are abnormally attentive to the here and now – they give it their complete attention.

Contrast this with your average Joe who, research concludes, is missing in action! The normal mind is, to use an Irish expression, ‘not all there’ – we’re all over the place. The normal mind is focused on your ‘stored knowledge’ – what you learned during your formative years. Your normal mind is immune to what’s actually happening now and that’s why ordinary people are stuck on the daily sorry-go-round!

You’ve got to pay attention, focus, get your head in the game. And, in real reality, it’s no big deal if you’re not sure what you want out in your life (how many of us are?!) – what’s of primary importance is that you pay attention to what’s taking place right now – you just don’t know what opportunities you might spot (which you caannot spot if you’re not all there!). Paying attention is about the here and now. Focus is about doing what you’re actually doing without dwelling on your self-defeating beliefs (from ‘I don’t like my job’ to ‘I don’t like me’). Focus is about being present, having presence and getting into the flow of life.

Has it now dawned on you that all the fantastic things that have ever happened in your life (yeah, even if you’re a desperate case, some good stuff happened somewhere along the way) happened in a spontaneous manner? You can rediscover life’s spontaneity, all you’ve got to do is turn up to your own life – right here, right now – pay attention to what’s actually happening, not what your bizarre, ordinary mind would convince you is going on.

View the original article here

Criticism, Your Career, and Your Life

 Loading ...  Watch Related Video   |  Read Summary

Throughout your career, you will encounter a series of so-called friends, confidants, and others who will come up to you and let you in on various things that “people are saying about you.” I am not talking about the sort of people who are happy to pass along good news; rather, I am talking about the sort of people who are mostly interested in passing along bad news about you, criticism of you, and more. There are people like this in every company and every organization, and the more you try to accomplish in your life and career, the more you will encounter these people.

When I was in college, I was in the process of deciding whether or not I wanted to run for a certain office. Someone who I thought was a friend of mine came up to me, sat me down for a serious discussion, and advised me not to run because people were saying bad things about me, and were apparently very disappointed that I had been late for a meeting a few days back.

“Being late for that meeting was a deal killer,” the person told me. “No one is ever going to vote for you, from what I understand.”

I went away from that encounter very upset, and I thought about no longer running for the office. Years later, I still remember this incident because it left such a bad taste in my mouth. It made me feel really bad about myself. Despite that person’s “friendly advice,” I ran anyway. Incredibly, the only person who did not vote for me was the person who had told me that I should not have run for in the first place.

This episode really left an impression on me because it was one of the first times I understood that there are a variety of people out there who are more than happy to pass along criticism to us, out of their own self-interest. In my experience, unwarranted criticism often has more to do with jealousy and people feeling threatened by us than anything else.

I went to an expensive private high school when I was around 16 years old. At the time, my father had just remarried a woman whose daughter, who was near my age, had dropped out of high school. When my father was not around, my stepmother used to say things to me like:

“Your father does not make enough money for you to go to that school. You should not be going there and you do not deserve to go there anyway.”

This was not a nice thing to say to a kid my age, or to anybody really. I told my father about it and he told me that my stepmother felt that the money he was spending on the school should be spent on my stepsister instead. There was a lot of tension surrounding my going to this school due to the cost, and my stepmother made it clear to me on several occasions that she did not like my father spending the money to send me there.

In the first few months I was at the school, my father was working overseas in Japan. I lived a pretty lonely existence at home because my stepmother had a lot of hostility toward me. One Friday evening my friends and I went to a dance at an all-girls school that was in the neighboring city. We did not know a lot of girls at the school, but before I knew it, a friend of mine had met a girl and her friend, and the four of us were headed to my house to watch television in the downstairs area of the house. That was all we planned on doing and the entire thing was pretty innocent. My stepmother was out for the evening, so I thought it would be okay.

We got to the house and went downstairs and started watching television. Around 20 minutes later, my stepmother barged downstairs. She accused me of having girls over to the house without anyone’s permission, being “out of control,” and all sorts of negative things. Even though there was absolutely nothing funny going on, her reaction was pretty alarming. Everyone promptly left.

The next day (Saturday) my stepmother stopped speaking to me entirely. She would simply walk away if I spoke to her, not saying a word. I was very confused by the entire situation, and I had never seen someone completely turn off and stop communicating like she did.The day after that (Sunday), in the afternoon, she came into my room and told me she was so upset that she thought I was going to have to move out of the house, and that she was going to send her brother over to speak with me. She told me that it was completely unacceptable that I had had women over to the house without supervision, and a bunch of similar  things.

While all of this would have made perfect sense were she religious and if our household had a strict moral code, for example, this was just not the case. My stepsister actually had a good friend who was a very promiscuous eighteen-year-old stripper, and she used to sit in our kitchen talking about her exploits with my stepmother, and they all laughed about it. Four sixteen-year-old kids watching bad horror movies at 9:30 on a Friday night hardly seemed to qualify as a major moral transgression.

By Sunday afternoon I had not spoken to my father yet and she had not either. I was really taken aback by the entire incident, and I was horrified by my stepmother’s behavior. I had moved in with my father and stepmother recently from my mother’s home, which was more than an hour’s drive away. I sulked around the house in fear the rest of the day, not sure what to do. On Monday morning as I was going to school I heard my stepmother speaking to my father on the phone. She was talking very loudly because this was in the mid-1980s, and international phone calls were typically of poor quality:

“I think he should move back in with his mother and attend the public school there. I have not called the school yet. Do you think they will give the tuition money back?” I heard her say.

I was not able to speak to my father until that evening and, when I did, I realized that he was not that upset about anything. I think he must have been confused by my stepmother’s reaction, but he needed to take her side to however minimal a degree, since she was his new wife.

What I realized out of this terrifying ordeal was that people often seek to criticize us for reasons that are more self-serving than anything. Here, my stepmother was resentful and jealous about the household budget that was going toward paying for the private school I was attending, and she sought to undermine this by blowing out of proportion a very small incident.

There is nothing wrong with positive criticism, of course. If someone has a person’s best interests at heart, then criticism can help that person become better. However, most criticism you will encounter in your career, in your family, and in social settings is not intended to build you up; instead, it is intended to tear you down.

At work, in social relationships, and elsewhere there are always people who will speak negatively about us, blame us for something, or blow small incidents way out of proportion. When this occurs, the person blowing things out of proportion and speaking badly about you usually has no interest in helping you and, instead, is simply trying to bring you down. This sounds like a terrible thing to say, and to an extent, it even sounds a bit paranoid, but for most people this is the case.

When you are doing well in your career and life, instead of being happy for you, many people will become jealous and resentful of your success. In order to make themselves feel better, they will find fault with how you are doing by criticizing you, either to your face or behind your back. How many times have you heard someone say something like the following:

“That person may be rich, but they are unhappy.”“That person may be famous, but look at how unsuccessful their relationships are.”

Instead of being happy for people for what they have done, or what they have achieved, the reaction is to attack them for what does not seem perfect in their lives. This is a tool that many people use to feel better about themselves when they are threatened by others and their success.

I spend a lot of time trying to build people up with career advice and by helping people realize their potential. There are so many rewards and benefits to gain from pursuing your dream life; however, one thing that you simply cannot escape or ignore is the fact that the more successful you become and the better that you do in every area of your life, the more criticism you will face.

If you get a promotion, you may be accused of being a brown-noser. If you meet the person of your dreams, you will threaten that person’s friends, if they are single, because you are taking their friend away from them.

I grew up with sisters. I was always amazed at how their single friends reacted when any of my sisters got a boyfriend. In almost every case, the friends would look for various criticisms of the man, which they would quickly voice. I have seen this occur so many times, it seems like it is almost a natural sort of response. The girls were feeling threatened because they were getting less time with their friends, once their friends entered into a relationship. Men often do the same thing with their friends. They often feel threatened when their friends meet women. The woman may be called controlling, manipulative–and all sorts of things.

In most cases, your personal and professional success will invoke a bit more criticism than compliments and congratulations.

The ability to deal with criticism is one of the most important lessons you will ever learn. If you are going to improve and constantly strive toward your goals, you will need to learn how to deal with criticism. Most people stop and pull back when they are criticized, or they simply do not act at all, for fear of being criticized. If you live your life in fear of criticism, you will never accomplish everything you are capable of accomplishing in your life.

The best way to deal with criticism is to simply not let it bother you. If you get upset and stay upset about criticism then your ability to be happy, achieve more, and push forward has been limited. Once you allow others to limit the happiness you can experience, the person who has criticized you has achieved his or her objective.

Everyone has various associates who will try to bring them down with negative words and actions. It does not matter what their objectives are; however, you need to be aware of them. These sorts of people will destroy you if you allow their negative words to influence you, slow you down, or make you angry. The most dangerous of these people are the ones who appear to be your friends but are instead, your mortal enemies. They can do you massive harm. There are countless people out there who have allowed others’ negative opinions of them to control and destroy their lives. Many people do everything they can to make others like them, to not upset people, and this ends up taking over their lives. As a result they are never pleased with themselves.

You cannot make everyone happy. It is impossible. The more you base your actions on trying to make others happy all the time, the more trouble you will experience. You cannot stop people from talking negatively about you and criticizing you. The more you try to get others to approve of you, the more mediocre you will be–and the unhappier you will be. Guaranteed.

When someone is critical of you, the best thing you can do is to simply shrug it off and move forward. Who cares? It doesn’t do you any good to listen to criticism that is intended to limit you; do not pay too much attention to it because people will find fault no matter what you do. Not everyone is going to be able to understand you and where you are coming from. Moreover, when you try to win over critics, you will rarely succeed, because for whatever reason, they are threatened by you, and making them feel wrong for criticizing you will not help the situation.

I have watched critical people all my career, and for the most part, I have come to the following conclusion: Most critical people don’t work hard enough to do what it takes to be at their very best. Instead, they do their best to attack and criticize others, in order to make themselves feel better. Let them do this. Then forget about it and move on.

Do not spend your time worrying about what others are saying. Spend your time focused on what you want to do with your life, your dreams, and your aspirations for the future.

If you want to achieve anything of significance in your life, you must realize that a good portion of the people you encounter are not going to want you to succeed. Instead, people are going to be jealous and critical of you. And the more you achieve, the more criticism you will attract. If you change yourself in response to this criticism, you will start moving backward instead of forward.

When I was in college, my girlfriend was a very gifted writer and verbal communicator. In fact, she was downright brilliant when it came to writing and condensing complex ideas into written prose. Her freshman year of college at the University of Chicago, she got all As in every writing-related class, which was simply something that very few people were able to do.

When she got into her last year of college, however, she had all sorts of friends who were getting jobs with banks like Goldman Sachs and so forth. These girls were dynamic, but had a whole different set of skills from my girlfriend. They had probably struggled to get Bs in the writing classes that my girlfriend had done so well in. In contrast, they all were very good at math, and had seemingly spent their lives preparing to interview with investment banks. They were highly professional and came across as polished, but also calculating. My girlfriend had her own skills that made her exceptional, but she was much different from those other girls. When she started interviewing with the banks she did not get callback interviews. Her friends gave her advice like this:

“You need to appear more calculating.”“You’re too nice and friendly.”“You need to show them you can be ‘bitchy’ so they know you will not be intimidated and pushed around by the ‘old boy’s network’ inside of the banks.”“You need to give ‘sharp’ and quick answers to interview questions.”

None of this advice related in the least to my girlfriend’s personality. She was not calculating, and she loved to tell people how she arrived at various conclusions. She was intellectual and her friends were not. She liked to talk a lot and analyze and help people. In contrast, her friends, frankly, were relatively uninteresting.

She was not bitchy and was very open. I hated going shopping with her because she might sit there in the grocery store and get into a 20-minute discussion with the cashier about nothing. She was not an investment banker type. But she listened to her friends’ advice (which actually came from a good place, unlike the sort of evil advice I mentioned above) and decided she needed to change her personality.

It was a disaster and ended up destroying our relationship. She lost her amazing personality and tried to overcompensate by acting in a way that was not at all like her. While her friends were naturally calculating, she tried to become this way, and it was obvious and made no sense. She also became mean. She stopped telling stories the way she used to and started trying to be like all her friends. This was completely unnecessary, and ultimately, she did not get a job with an investment bank. Years later, when I encountered her, she was still trying to act the way her close friends had acted, which was not really her personality at all. She was convinced that she did not get a high-powered job at the age of 23 because she did not act the way her friends had told her she should.

Although she never drank more than a glass of wine or beer when I knew her, I found out that she later became a serious alcoholic and had spent several years in and out of rehab facilities. None of this made any sense to me because it just did not seem like her. This woman had had so much potential.

I wonder how much of this had to do with her taking criticism the wrong way.

About a year ago, I heard she had gotten a night job as a “model on the Internet.” I am not sure what this means, but it does not sound good. It devastates me thinking about it because this woman has become so different from the person I once knew, who was so talented. I personally believe that her listening to the wrong criticism, and not pursuing what she loved caused all this. If she had not gotten so absorbed in what made her different from others, I believe she would still be the happy-go-lucky person I once knew.

Do not allow others to determine your destiny. When you hear criticism of yourself, just walk away and continue on your path. You will forever be held back if you allow others’ criticism of you to affect your happiness.

Agree? Disagree? I don’t care, please tell me what you think by commenting below. I give free stuff away every week to the most thoughtful commenters on my site!

SEE JOBS ONLY FROM EMPLOYER CAREER PAGES

Resources
Search Jobs in Your Industry
Post Your Resume to 65+ Job Sites
Resume Service
Classified Ads
Job Search Course

Related posts: Instead of Seeking Praise, Seek CriticismUpgrade Your Career and Life by Finding Work to Be DoneWinning in Your Job Search and Life Means Going Forward No Matter What Criticism You Think You May ReceiveTrust Your Intuition in Your Career and LifeThe Milgram Experiment, Submission to Authority, Your Life, and CareerMake Sure Your Life and Dreams Are Your OwnSummary In this article Harrison discusses criticism and explains how to handle criticism. When you are doing well in your career and life, instead of being happy for you, many people will become resentful of your success. In order to make themselves feel better, they will find fault with you and criticize you, either to your face, or behind your back. The ability to deal with criticism is one of the most important lessons you will ever learn. If you are going to improve and constantly strive towards your goals, you will need to learn how to deal with criticism. Most people stop and pull back when they are criticized, or they simply do not act at all, for fear of being criticized. If you live your life in fear of being criticized, you will never accomplish everything you are capable of accomplishing in your life.

View the original article here

Do Not Be Influenced by Others’ Negative Opinions of You

 Loading ...Read Summary

I have kept a journal for years. Today I opened the journal and found a quote that I had written down on July 4, 2002. I had written this quote down because at the time I had just gotten out of a relationship in which the person I was with had decided that I could do absolutely nothing right whatsoever. At that time I was reading a self-help book about recovering from bad relationships, and this particular quote had really hit me with tremendous gusto, because I believed it really described what I had been going through. I was sitting in my backyard in the afternoon after the breakup, feeling quite depressed but still looking hard for answers. When we are in the eye of the storm, we often do not realize it until someone tells us we are.

Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious–or both–but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child’s self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy–unworthy of respect, friendship, and the natural right of all: love and protection.

Inevitably, victims are made to feel guilty–made to believe the abuse they suffer is their own fault.

No one ever has the right to abuse you, whether you are a child or an adult.

Everyone deserves someone to be crazy about them–to nurture them.

–Unknown

What stuck out for me so much about this quote was that I had been told how awful I was for years. In the relationship I was in, I was told I would never be a good businessperson, never be worthy of respect in the world, never be a good father, and never be a good husband. These kinds of messages have the tendency to be self-reinforcing because the more we hear negative information about ourselves, the more we tend to believe it. I can remember that when I was in this relationship, all I wanted to do was escape emotionally and physically. Were I still in this relationship, you might find me as one of those lonely men who sit on a bar stool night after night somewhere. I’ll bet many of the men who crowd bar stools all over are emotionally abused. Somewhere in the backgrounds of many unhappy and unsuccessful people is some kind of emotional abuse–and it is probably ongoing in their lives.

The reason I am sharing such deeply personal information with you is that in some respects you yourself might be emotionally abused, and I want to offer you insight and support. You might be, or you might have been emotionally abused in a relationship, by a parent or relative, or by an employer. Someone around you, or some group around you, might be telling you that you are negative and incapable. For whatever reason, you may be led to believe that you are incompetent and unworthy. When I think about emotional abuse, I also think about our jobs and what many people experience in certain jobs. Many people simply are not appreciated in their jobs. They are told that they are doing a bad job, they are threatened constantly with termination, they are made fun, of and they are systematically passed up for promotions. As a result, they feel a constant sense of inferiority in their jobs.

There is so much happiness and success available for the taking in the world that whenever I see people extraordinarily unhappy with their lives and unappreciated, I want nothing more than to intervene with knowledge and guidance. In my life, once I got out of that abusive relationship, everything miraculously changed. I started excelling in my job. I became happier. My relationships with everyone around me suddenly became fulfilling. I met a wonderful woman who became my wife, and today I am living the life of my dreams. This all came from spending the majority of my time with someone who believed in me and supported me, instead of someone who was fighting against my dreams and me.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your emotional and psychological health is quit a job. People who are abused and not valued by their employers should seek other jobs. Criticism can achieve a useful purpose and can motivate you to improve. However, there are also circumstances under which individual employees of various businesses are so severely and commonly abused that it rises to an extremely unhealthy level.  In these cases, the criticism actually serves to diminish the employees and it makes them feel as if they are not worthy of their job.

When you read stories about employees going on rampages, the story is usually about an employee who was systematically abused and was made to feel inferior by the employer. One of the reasons we often hear about this in places like post offices is that the employees there feel trapped, and they feel as if they have skills that would simply not be valued elsewhere. Given the good-size pensions postal employees receive and the fact that the pay is not that bad, postal employees often feel trapped in their jobs. If you had delivered letters for the past 15 years, what else would you feel qualified to do? If you are ever in a situation in which you feel trapped or abused, the best thing you can do is look for another job. No one should remain in a job or position wherein they are demoralized and feel inferior.

Whoever you are and whatever you do, you have skills and personality traits that are in demand somewhere. You need to do everything within your power to take advantage of these skills and traits, and to put yourself in a situation wherein you will be appreciated. You have skills and abilities that merit profound appreciation. You just need to be working for an employer that realizes this. The more positive news and affirmations that you receive, the better you will typically become at your job.

About a year ago I was at a conference and spent some time with a man who had apparently lost more than 50 pounds during the previous year, had quit drinking on a daily basis, had stopped taking stimulants on a daily basis, and had gone from emotionally withdrawn to incredibly happy and motivated. Since I did not know the person as he was before I met him, I was very curious:

“How on earth did you do this?” I asked him.

“I decided whom to spend my time with and whom not to spend my time with,” he told me.

When I thought about this statement, I realized that it was no different from the experience I had years earlier. People’s negative opinions of the world and about us can have a profoundly negative influence on our lives. This is especially so when we are not appreciated and loved.

Several years ago, I was working inside of a law firm and there was another attorney who had been there for at least 10 years.  I could not figure out why the law firm had kept him around so long–or why he had stayed. All anyone did was talk about how stupid this guy was and constantly make fun of him. The associates who had just gotten out of law school even talked about how stupid he was and made fun of him. The partners did the same thing. Despite the fact that the law firm was going through what seemed to be a full-time downsizing of laying people off and firing them, this guy was never let go. Incredibly, despite mergers and other events at this law firm, and countless firings, he is still there today. I figure that the law firm must just enjoy keeping him around to harass.  In actuality, this attorney is not that bad at his job. He is, however, someone who has tolerated incredible abuse throughout his career.

What makes this so incredible is that this particular guy was earning (10 years ago) probably more than $250,000 a year. He has since been promoted, and despite all the abuse he has suffered, he has continued to do very well in his job. I never understood why this guy tolerated so much abuse. From what I have seen, there are people like this in most law firms and companies. I remember another law firm I worked in that had hired a similar kind of person. There are people inside nearly every organization who are systematically made fun of and abused, while others around them enjoy poking fun at them. These people become like the court jester, and it is as if the organizations pile on them all of their issues and insecurities.

In addition to people who are directly put down and made fun of inside organizations, there are also people who experience a more subtle form of abuse.  They are systematically degraded and put down, their dreams crushed over and over again by their employers. In the years I have spent studying human performance and what it takes to succeed in a job, one fact that occurs to me is that there are situations in which getting out of this pattern of abuse can be extremely difficult. For example, if you are working in one of many American small towns, it is often very hard to find a job as good as the post office and with as many benefits. Despite having to endure various types of abuse (often by customers) many people stay employed in the post office year after year.

Recently I saw a special about General Motors and the problems this company has been experiencing for decades. As part of the special, they were showing the numerous suppliers and others scattered throughout the United States who were dependent upon GM for business. What made this so interesting was that the suppliers were often in small towns with no other employers, and in some cases a supplier might only employ a few people. I thought about this and what it would mean for someone who works for one of these suppliers. Some of the people that were featured on the show had worked for certain suppliers for 20 or more years.  They had lived in small communities that had existed for a long time, thriving on the income solely generated by the suppliers. In addition, many of the people working in these factories only knew how to do one thing. For example, they might operate a certain machine that makes bolts.

Imagine doing something like this for 20 or more years.Imagine still if you did not like your job and did not have any other skills.Imagine if the people at work were not nice to you and you felt abused.  Feeling trapped in such a position would be absolutely horrible.

You might be in a situation right now, wherein you feel as if you are being abused and not treated the way you should be treated. You might not feel appreciated in your current job. If you are being diminished and your work not taken seriously, you should probably look for a different situation. It does not do you any good to be in a work situation in which you are not appreciated and cherished for who you are. Two of the most important things you have in your life are your self-worth and your sanity. You need to realize that you are an important person worthy of immense and genuine respect.

Agree? Disagree? I don’t care, please tell me what you think by commenting below. I give free stuff away every week to the most thoughtful commenters on my site!

SEE JOBS ONLY FROM EMPLOYER CAREER PAGES

Resources
Search Jobs in Your Industry
Post Your Resume to 65+ Job Sites
Resume Service
Classified Ads
Job Search Course

Related posts: Concentrate on the Positive, Not the NegativeLearn Something From the Upper and Lower Class: Do Not Be Paralyzed by Others’ OpinionsPeople Around You Can Shape What Happens to You: Avoid the Negative Affirmations of OthersRun Your Career Based on Facts and Statistics — Not OpinionsAre You More Motivated by the Opinions of Others–or Your Own?Do Not Tell Yourself You Have Negative TraitsSummary In this article Harrison discusses why you should not be influenced by other’s negative opinions of you. You have skills and abilities which merit profound appreciation. You need to put yourself in situation wherein you will be appreciated. The more positive news and affirmations that you receive, the better you will typically become at your job. People’s negative opinions about you can have a profoundly negative influence on your life. The more we hear negative information about ourselves, the more we tend to believe it. It does not do you any good to be in a work situation in which you are not appreciated and cherished for who you are. Two of the most important things you have in your life are your self-worth and your sanity. You need to realize that you are an important person worthy of immense and genuine respect.

View the original article here

Relationships are easy

Relationships are easy.

You may have read or heard the opposite, that relationships are hard work. I used to believe that was true. Not anymore.

Relationships are easy.

I understand that making time for someone else or giving up some of the things you love or getting your own way create some struggles in life – but once again, relationships are easy.

Perhaps what people who believe relationships are hard work are actually referring to the difficulty of interacting and living with an immature, childish human.

Why would it be hard work to be in relationship with a mature, caring grown up?

Here’s a couple of other questions to ponder:

Why is it that we are sometimes nicer to strangers than we are to loved ones?

Shouldn’t marriage and relationships lighten our load, not add to our burden? Because if it were the latter, why in the world would any of us sign up for something like this?

Perhaps the problem is that many times we get bogged down in a lot of the unnecessary parts of relationships and lose focus on the essential parts. Or we lose sight of the fact that our significant other is a separate being who is capable of making their own decisions and charting their own path in life.

But this fact isn’t a bad thing at all as it frees you up to do the same! And it also frees you both to choose each other – not feel like you’re stuck in a monotonous existence together.

It all boils down to how you view what goes on within your relationships, specifically your significant ones.

First and foremost, marriage is designed to help you grow up. It’s not about happiness. It’s not about becoming more complete, despite what Hollywood and popular press would like you to believe. Marriage is about growing. Happiness will accompany you at times along the way, but it’s not the ultimate goal.

And second: your growth – your responsibility; your spouse’s – theirs. When you keep this in mind you realize that all you can control in a relationship is yourself.

Many times couples have sought my help in working on their marriage. They come in thinking their relationship is an outside entity that can be fixed. The problem with this is they’ve got it backwards – the relationship is working on them! That’s the way relationships are designed.

When you acknowledge this and live accordingly, relationships are easy.

Here’s how.

How many times has something about your spouse’s behavior driven you crazy? Or how many heated discussions have come from your differences in beliefs?

The best way to combat this is found in this phrase: Rather than trying to adjust the wind, adjust your sails.

Focus on what you can control – and this begins and ends with you!

Simplify things in life so you can savor more of the goodness. This same idea can be applied to relationships.

And it starts by slowing down.

Do you have trouble remembering names when meeting someone new? Do you know why? Most of the time you’re too busy talking or thinking about what to say that you don’t even hear their name.

This happens in regular conversations as well. You’re busy or rushed thinking about something else and you miss the goodness of the moment with your spouse, or kids, or friends.

Slow down. Let their be pauses in the conversation while you think and respond. There doesn’t have to be a banter or speedy exchange of ideas in conversation.

Breathe. Listen. Breathe. Connect.

This will open you both up to more with each other.

Leo’s favorite guide works for most every aspect of relationships as well: “Smile, breathe, and go slowly.”

Just think how much better everything, and I mean everything (wink wink), will be when you follow this guide in your relationship?

Read more from Corey at his blog, Simple Marriage, or subscribe to his feed.

—
Note: Zen Habits has been nominated in the 2011 Bloggies. I’d love it if you voted (scroll down the page a bit), if you’re so inclined. Once again I’m in the same category as the awesome Post Secret so I don’t stand a chance!

View the original article here

9 Mindfulness Rituals to Make Your Day Better

“Smile, breathe and go slowly.” - Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist monk

Are you simply moving through your day, without fully living?

I did this for many years. It was as if life were just passing by, and I was waiting for something to happen. I always felt like I was preparing for something later.

But today isn’t preparation for tomorrow. Today’s the main event.

Fully live today by being mindful. I realize this is easier said than done — mindfulness is a habit that’s not easily picked up. And so I’ve decided to share with you some of my favorite mindfulness rituals to help you appreciate every moment.

You don’t need to do all of these, but give a few of them a try to see if they make your day better.

Ritual isn’t about doing a routine mindlessly. It’s a way of building something good into your life, so that you don’t forget what’s important. Done mindfully, a ritual can remind you to be conscious. Done mindlessly, a ritual is meaningless.

Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Sit in the morning. When you wake up, in the quiet of the morning, perhaps as your coffee is brewing, get a small cushion and sit on the floor. I will often use this opportunity to stretch, as I am very inflexible. I feel every muscle in my body, and it is like I am slowly awakening to the day. I’ll also just sit, and focus on my breathing going in and out. I’m an absolute beginner when it comes to meditation, but this always starts my day right.

2. Brush your teeth. I assume we all brush our teeth, but often we do it while thinking of other things. Try fully concentrating on the action of brushing, on each stroke of each tooth, going from one side of the mouth to the other. You end up doing a better job, and it helps you realize how much we do on autopilot.

3. Eat mindfully. Turn off the TV, put away the computer and mobile devices, even put away the book or newspaper. If you eat with any of these things (most people do), eating without them will seem boring. And yet, unless you do this, you are not truly appreciating your food. I like eating my oats (with nuts and berries — see my diet) mindfully, paying attention to each bite. It makes the food taste better, and I eat slowly and with gratefulness.

4. Wash your bowl. When you’re done eating, wash your dish immediately. Do it while paying full attention to your washing, to the water and suds. Read more.

5. Drink tea. There’s something ancient about the tea ceremony — and when you drink tea as a mindfulness ritual, you’re connecting with millions of others who have done so over the centuries. Make your own tea ceremony — prepare the tea carefully and mindfully, pour it slowly, sip it with thoughtfulness. See if you can set aside one time each day to do this, and it will transform your day.

6. Walk slowly. I like to take breaks from work, and go outside for a little walk. Walk slowly, each step a practice in awareness. Pay attention to your breathing, to everything around you, to the sounds and light and texture of objects.

7. Read in silence. Find a quiet time (mornings or evenings are great for me), and a quiet spot, and read a good novel. Have no television or computers on nearby, and just immerse yourself in the world of the novel. It might seem contradictory to let your mind move from the present into the time of the novel, but it’s a great practice in focus. Also, I love a good novel more than almost anything else.

8. Look at someone gratefully. Each day, find someone you care about. Instead of just seeing what you always see, really look at the person. Try not to do it creepily. See this person for the miracle that she is, and be grateful for her existence. If you’re feeling generous, tell that person how thankful you are for her.

9. Work with focus. Start your workday by choosing one task that will make a big difference in your work, and clearing everything else away. Just do that one task, and don’t switch to other tasks. Single-tasking is a great way to find focus. Increase your Monk Mind.

These rituals aren’t the only time you should be mindful, but they’re great reminders. Today, try a few of them to fully live and fully appreciate this wonderful day.

—
Tweetness & light

View the original article here

The Importance of Creating and Maintaining Value

 Loading ...Read Summary

One of the questions that has bothered me for most of my life is this: “Why don’t certain people succeed?”

The reason this question has bothered me so much is because I frequently see certain people around me who have achieved incredible successes. When I get to know many of these people, I realize that in many cases they are less talented in many respects than some of the less successful people. However, there is a very simple difference in most cases between those who succeed and those who do not:

The people who succeed at the highest levels are typically (1) contributing something of real value to the world–a service or product that people want, and (2) part of a group that is also contributing something of real value to the world.People who do not succeed are generally (1) not contributing something of real value to the world that the world wants, and (2) part of a group that is also not contributing something of real value to the world.

The equation is as simple as this. If you want to be successful in the world and in your career, you need to understand these principles. Once you understand them you can do quite well in whatever you choose to do.

To Succeed You Must Contribute Something of Value that the World Wants. Our company has been in located in Pasadena, California, for almost ten years. For about as long as I can remember, there has been a woman who has stood by the freeway exit ramp and held up a sign about how she is starving, out of work, or something of the sort. When I first noticed her at least five years ago, the woman appeared very pale and white and she always wore big sun hats. Now, after so many years of standing directly out in the sun every day she no longer looks Caucasian. The sun has changed the color of her skin permanently and she now looks all leathery. There are other beggars who are on opposite sides of the freeway exit; however, the side of the freeway exit ramp where this woman works appears to have always been hers.

My questions are this:

What is this woman contributing of value to the world? She may be allowing some people getting off of the exit ramp to feel good about themselves by giving her money–I do not know. But she has a steady job and has been doing this job for at least five or so years that I know of. She reports to work every day and is always there, throughout each day. But this woman is not contributing something of real value to people –at least not to a high enough level that will ever get her off that street corner. Whatever it is she is achieving, it is not much and will never be much. I wonder:

What if this woman got a job as a mobile billboard on the corner? She could hold signs and get paid to direct traffic to a furniture store going out of business, or a condominium having a giant sale. She could do something essentially the same, but contribute a bit more value in the process. She might make a better living doing this.Or, consider if this woman cleaned herself up a bit and decided that she would apply to work in a fast food restaurant. She could get a job serving people throughout the day. She would have the ability to get raises, be able to work indoors (shielded from the skin damaging sun), get health insurance, and contribute something that society would probably view as more valuable.Similarly, she might get a job doing telemarketing. This woman obviously developed a real skill at talking to passing cars and getting people to give her money with nothing expected in return. Imagine, if she had a real product to sell, she could make phone calls and probably sell a lot of this or that. This would be even more of a contribution to the world.

The higher you move up the food chain in the working world, the more likely it is that you are contributing something of real value to society. People who generally get paid a lot of money are paid a lot of money because they are contributing something of real value. The more value you can create, the more you will generally be paid, and the less likely it is that you will ever lose your job. The money someone earns simply represents a measurement of what the person has delivered. As soon as someone ceases to provide a valuable service, the person will start receiving less money.

If someone’s income is low, it is generally a fact that the person is not producing a very valuable service. People who are paid the most provide the most valuable services and provide the most of this valuable service. Many people inside of organizations may not understand why these people are paid so well; however, whether a person is providing a product or a service, in terms of what the person produces, their success is directly proportional to what quality and how much he or she is able to produce.

To Succeed You Must Be Part of a Group that is Contributing Something of Real Value to the World–a Service or Product that People Want. Despite your best intentions and despite how hard you may work, there is always a danger that you will be part of a group that is not contributing something of real value to the world. The combined services of everyone inside of an organization also create value. It is generally the combined services of everyone–not just one individual, which creates value and efficient production. Accordingly, the members of the group will be paid relative to their overall contributions to the group.

When you see a group of people who are failing, when the organization is failing and laying people off, when there are general problems with the people inside of the organization, typically the root of the problem lies in the organization’s failure to create something of real value to the world. When the organization as a whole is able to create something that the world wants, the organization generally succeeds.

Consider, again, the case of the woman who has been begging on the street corner in Pasadena for the past several years. As I mentioned above, there are several other beggars on the same corner who beg and ask drivers and passersby for money. If all of these beggars got together and pooled their money at the end of each day, there might be some benefit to the overall group. For example, certain intersections might be busier at different times of the week, month and year than others. There is a mall in Pasadena and the intersection going towards the mall gets really busy around Christmas and slower in other months. If the beggars all got together and divided up the money each day, it might raise the average wage of the overall group of beggars operating in this vicinity.

However, as discussed above, the product that these beggars are offering is not something that people are particularly enthusiastic about.

If they were, instead, selling cold water in the summer, they would probably all make more money.If they were organized together in a fast food restaurant selling hamburgers, they would make even more money.If they all had law degrees and decided to all get together and organize a law firm, they would probably all make more money.

The more organized and efficient this group could get, the better off they would do collectively and individually.

For the past several months I have been thinking about another particular example, and puzzling over it in many different ways. It is a very significant example and there is a lot more depth to it than it may first appear. Our company has an office in Orange County, California, and around six months ago we had two offices there. One of the offices was very small and located in an extremely expensive building in Newport Beach. Newport Beach is a very expensive area; it costs a ton of money to run a business there. It also costs a lot of money to live there. The people that live in Newport Beach typically must figure out ways to make a lot of money.

A few years ago when the real estate market was doing well, the people in our expensive office in Newport Beach all seemed to be mortgage brokers and were doing all sorts of other businesses related to the real estate industry. They were all making loads of money doing this. Then, when the real estate market crashed, almost overnight it seemed all these same people went into businesses like credit counseling, debt consolidation, buying and selling distressed debt and other services. They did so in a matter of weeks.

All of these groups of people in this ultra expensive office simply shifted gears and went into a different business where there was demand. They did not sit around trying to offer a real estate service that people were simply no longer interested in. Instead, they just all morphed into businesses where there was demand.

From the standpoint of a successful group, this to me is one of the most significant examples I can imagine. These groups of “high performance” and high earning people simply shifted gears almost instantly and went into offering the public a service that was in high demand.

Being able to offer a service where and when there is a lot of demand for it is one of the keys to having a successful group. When you are looking for a job–any job–it is important that you do and find work that is in high demand. Doing work that is in high demand and being with a group that is doing highly in demand work is a very simple way to be successful.

There is another subtle but important point I would like to make: Even if a group of people is providing a service that is in high demand there still can be numerous problems associated with the organization, namely if some person or persons within the organization are not providing a service of high value. For example, if all of the beggars were to get together and combine their efforts this might be a useful exercise. Nevertheless, there is a strong possibility that some of the beggars might not work as hard and due to this the wages of the overall group would suffer. Many of the beggars might decide that since the wages were being divided up, not all of them needed to work as hard. Consequently, the whole group would suffer. Some beggars might not work at all and still expect money from the labors of the overall group.

There is a process that is occurring in companies at all times. It is a process wherein the people who are not contributing sufficient value to the overall group are weeded out for the benefit of the overall group. People who run successful companies know that a company cannot survive if it is not ensuring that everyone is contributing. This is the essence of good management and making companies efficient.

I have done a lot I am not proud of in my life from a management standpoint. One of the worst moments of my career was when I hired a well regarded business consultant, who had a bunch of fancy degrees from good schools. He came in to examine and study one of our companies, Legal Authority. At the time, Legal Authority was practically hemorrhaging money and could not turn a profit. The main reason for this was that the costs to produce the product–in this case a service that consisted of creating and mailing résumés and introductory directly to the hiring personnel inside of various companies and organizations, was too high. It was so high, in fact that we seemed to have no choice other than to price ourselves out of the market, just to cover costs. And therein lay the problem.

“You need to close the business down,” the consultant told me. “There is no way this business can make money.”

When I heard this, it made me angry and I said something that I later came to regret:

“You are just weak and afraid to recommend the changes needed to get the business working.”

It is never a nice thing to call someone weak; however, here this person had charged us tens of thousands of dollars to study the organization, and his recommendations about improving the company were very poor indeed. He had not made any suggestions that were likely to help the company–other than to close it down.

Because I understood the company, I believed the real problem at the time was that we had incredibly high labor costs, since we had at least 20 people on staff, editing various files. In order for the business to work, we needed to lower the labor costs by paying the most productive editors more money and the least productive editors less. It was as simple as this. We could not charge more for the product because we had already tried this and it had not worked. For whatever reason, this particular consultant did not believe in lowering wages and setting up an incentive based system. Once I decided to implement such a system, Legal Authority was able to survive and eventually it started earning money.

The issue with Legal Authority was that people who were not productive were holding the company back. Once the nonproductive people were penalized and a good management system was set up for handling them, the company was able to function effectively. The sign of a good organization is that it is able to function effectively, and keep all staff working efficiently–including those who were once responsible for slowing the company down. Organizations that allow nonproductive workers to continue their mediocre contributions are never around for long, even if they have a very good product.

In your career it is important that you are always contributing something of value and that you are part of an organization that is contributing something of value. If you are not doing either of these things, you will eventually lose your job. Furthermore, it is important that the organization you are with is able to weed out those who are adding the least value, and to promote those who are adding the most value. I am a tough manager in business, but if there is a demand for the product I am selling, the business I run usually does very well. The secret to this is just to make sure that the business is managed and controlled as carefully as possible. When you see people in a business sitting around doing nothing, you need to realize that these people are affecting you negatively as well, if you work there.

Lastly, work to adapt so that you and your organization can create value in all economic climates. This will help you and your organization stay relevant and in demand–even during the lean times.

Agree? Disagree? I don’t care, please tell me what you think by commenting below. I give free stuff away every week to the most thoughtful commenters on my site!

SEE JOBS ONLY FROM EMPLOYER CAREER PAGES

Resources
Search Jobs in Your Industry
Post Your Resume to 65+ Job Sites
Resume Service
Classified Ads
Job Search Course

Related posts: The Importance of Fitting InThe Importance of Finding and Creating DemandSympathy, Morale, and the Importance of Being OrganizedFroth, Downward Wages, and the Importance of Repeat BusinessAvoid Creating “Fatal Friction”Cattle, the Importance of Maintaining Fences–and Your CareerSummary In this article Harrison discusses that in your career it is important that you are always contributing something of value and that you are part of an organization that is contributing something of value to the world. It is generally the combined services of everyone–not just one individual, which creates value and efficient production. The sign of a good organization is that it is able to function effectively, and keep all staff working efficiently. Furthermore, it is important that the organization you are with is able to weed out those who are adding the least value, and to promote those who are adding the most value. You need to work to adapt so that you and your organization can create value in all economic climates. This will help you and your organization stay relevant and in demand.

View the original article here

People Around You Can Shape What Happens to You: Avoid the Negative Affirmations of Others

 Loading ...Read Summary

Although there is a great deal of historical debate about the specifics, legend has it Hermes Trismegistus–one of the most important sorcerers of ancient Greece– had a tablet in his tomb with the greatest secret in all of history written on it. When the tomb was opened centuries later, it was said people waited with a sense of wonder for the wisdom of the tablet to be revealed. The secret written on the tablet was:

As within, so without;
As above, so below.

This statement has been made in one form or another by others, such as Buddha, Isaiah, Jesus, and Moses. Countless books and studies have been devoted to the meaning of this statement. If you take the time to understand it, I believe it will be among the most important you ever read. As I see it, this is the significance of this statement:

Whatever we believe inside of us becomes expressed in the world around us. Your belief about what is true is reflected by the world around you, its conditions, events, and circumstances. Simply put, if you believe you are successful, the world around you will manifest in that way. You will find yourself surrounded by the accoutrements of what success means to you, whether they include a certain type of car, home, mate, or even a jet. If you believe you are a failure, the world around you will manifest that as well. This will show in the form of recurring failures, whether in the form of financial losses, divorce, substance abuse, or poverty.

Whatever exists in your mind is also what will exist in your environment, circumstances, and physical surroundings. Your mind creates its own environment.

As humans, we have the ability to imagine things that do not exist and to create the world around us the way we want. We have the ability to attract the people and experiences we want. Similarly, we have the ability to repel circumstances we don’t want. No other animal in the world has this ability. It is an ability you, too, can use.

In respect to how we influence ourselves, it is important to understand the people around us also have the ability to influence us in a way that has a great impact on who we become.

I am about to share some extremely important advice I believe could permanently alter the course of your life and that you can use to change the lives of others. The best teachers and coaches practice this idea with their students and many times it separates the successful from the unsuccessful.

Understand your role in shaping your world, the people in it, and the occurrences related to it.Strongly believe what you wish your world to become.Build the power to make your imagination attract the forces that shape your environment the way you want it to be.Placing immense faith in what your heart believes, makes a phenomenal difference in your life and career.

I at one time was a reporter for my college newspaper, the Chicago Maroon. I was assigned a story about a high school senior who’d recently won the most prestigious science prize for high school seniors in the country, the Westinghouse Science Prize. The student’s teacher taught at a private high school on the University of Chicago campus. As I interviewed the teacher, I discovered several of his students had won this prize. In fact, despite the fact that only one of these prizes was given out nationally each year, three or four of his students had won over the past several years. After speaking with the teacher at length, I realized this was no coincidence. I believe the students’ success had a lot to do with the suggestions he gave them about what they could achieve. I remember probing specifically about why so many of this man’s students had won the award. Essentially, he said the following:

“Every few years, I have an exceptional student, and I start telling him over and over he is going to win the award. When I do this, most times the student ends up winning.”

I had a teacher like this in high school as well. After we had discussed colleges, and after I had decided where I thought I would like to go, he told me, “Then that is where you will go.” Incredibly, out of all the schools I applied to, this is where I ended up going.

Great teachers, great parents, and great coaches make people believe in themselves. They also make them take on the characteristics of what they want to achieve before they even achieve it. How is this relevant to your job search?

When I was recruiting, I had an uncanny ability to place people at the firms I believed were their best fits. Keep in mind I was not the one getting my candidates jobs; they were. When each person began his or her job search, I would say something like, “I am confident you are going to get a job at this particular firm.” I would keep repeating this over and over again. Despite the fact that (1) the firm might have been out of the candidate’s league in terms of their qualifications, (2) the person might have been looking at 20-plus law firms, and (3) I might never have had a candidate interview at that particular firm before, when I did this, my candidates often got jobs at these “target firms.” What was happening here? Why was this occurring?

When people start believing they are capable of achieving something, they begin to take on the form of what they believe.

When someone believes they are going to get a job with a certain employer, and really feels it deep down, things start to fall into place. I am not sure why this is. Nevertheless, I have seen it over and over again in my work as a recruiter.

Another thing I have learned as a recruiter is the importance of sharing positive news with people, not bad news. Building up job seekers and not sharing negative information about rejections works wonders. In fact, it is largely this skill that separates good recruiters from average ones. When I work with someone, I make sure to share inspirational and motivational information because I know negative energy and information will bring the person down. This is a basic yet essential skill I learned long ago, and it works.

Remember: You control your own mind. You control what you allow in and what happens within your own mind. If you let negative information in, there is a good chance the world around you will also become negative. If you choose to let positive information in, there is a good chance your world will become positive.
Your job situation, financial condition, health, social status, and friends are all a reflection of how you feel about yourself. This is the real meaning of what is “within” and what is “without” in your life. This is why it is extremely important you control your thinking in your life.

As a recruiter I have dealt with individuals who were fired from their previous jobs. People who are fired are often difficult to work with because future employers view them suspiciously. Basically, most employers feel these candidates are likely to cause problems in their next job. While it does not always come up in interviews, if someone is not currently working, a future employer is likely to wonder why.

I always tell my candidates to write down and memorize words like the following: “I was not fired from my job. I was a huge asset to my last firm. I am going to do even better in my next job than I did in my last. My last employer loved me!” Writing down and memorizing words like these can be a real asset. In fact, when people write things like this down, the subject of their having been fired almost never comes up in interviews.

This brings me to a very important point about your job search and your current job. In every company’s social network there are people who send out negative information about you, your employer, and others. Parents, friends, and others do this to us all the time, intentionally or not. When this happens, you need to understand this will influence you in a certain way. Choose not to believe this negative information. Avoid it. It can do severe damage to you and your future.

If someone tells you you’re not capable of getting a certain type of job or doing a certain thing you want to do, tell him he is wrong. I am often forced to cut off contact with people who do this to me. People who do this to you do not have your best interest at heart. Usually they are trying to maintain some sort of control over you or the relationship they have with you.

Protect your mind and fill it with positive thoughts about yourself. In order to reach your full potential, there is really no other way.

Agree? Disagree? I don’t care, please tell me what you think by commenting below. I give free stuff away every week to the most thoughtful commenters on my site!

SEE JOBS ONLY FROM EMPLOYER CAREER PAGES

Resources
Search Jobs in Your Industry
Post Your Resume to 65+ Job Sites
Resume Service
Classified Ads
Job Search Course

Related posts: Do Not Be Influenced by Others’ Negative Opinions of YouConcentrate on the Positive, Not the NegativeGravitate Toward People and Organizations that Appear to Have Good LuckSurround Yourself with Positive PeopleDo Not Tell Yourself You Have Negative TraitsAvoid the Envy of OthersSummary In this article, Harrison explains the incredible connection between the mind and the environment around you. To understand your world and the people and occurrences related to it, you need to first understand your role in shaping them. What you believe is what your world becomes. The power of your imagination, faith, and trust in what your world is like, actually attracts forces which shape your environment the way you think it to be. Hence, you need to avoid negative beliefs and people with negative influence on you. Placing immense faith on what your heart believes is what makes a phenomenal difference in your life and career. Harrison advises on harboring positive thoughts so that what you desire to accomplish is what you actually accomplish.

View the original article here